Small Talk Leads to the Big Talk.

Why the first 5 mins could define a lifetime

Feb 25, 2025

Great friendships don’t start with deep conversations about life’s biggest questions. They start with small talk, like discussing how much you can eat at a buffet until you are in profit or the greatest football kit ever made. These wonderful little moments build trust and connection step by step. Skip small talk, and you skip the foundation of real relationships.
Ever been at a wedding where the best man opens with a joke that instantly offends people? That’s what happens when you skip small talk in business. Conversations need rhythm, a warm-up, something that makes people feel comfortable before you get to the big stuff.
Imagine sitting down for a first date. Before you’ve even ordered drinks, the other person leans in and says, ‘I want three kids, I think socks with sandals are underrated, and I once ate an entire wheel of cheese in one sitting.’ Too much, too soon. Small talk saves you from this kind of conversational whiplash. It lets things unfold naturally, gives you space to breathe, and ensures nobody feels like they’ve walked straight into a personality landslide. Just like a good first date, every meaningful conversation needs a build-up, a flow, and enough space for both people to enjoy the process.

Small talk is the neutral ice breaker which helps you to make a positive connection and opens the way for further deeper conversations. It is often dismissed as the unimportant part that has to be done, a necessary but meaningless exchange before the “real” conversation starts.

But the reality is, small talk is the real conversation. It’s the foundation of every meaningful connection, whether in business, sales, or life in general. When done well, small talk makes people feel seen, understood, and connected creating a foundation for everything that is coming.

This year, I’ve traveled to Belfast, Bosnia, and Germany, working with people from over seven different countries. One thing they all have in common? A complicated relationship with small talk. Many see it as an obligation, a game to play before getting down to business.

Someone even told me that they don’t take notes from an event as they only have to remember the business details, completely ignoring all the personal details they could learn and remember for future correspondence.

But if you treat small talk as a box to check off, you’re missing the point. It’s not just filler, it’s the secret to building strong relationships and setting the tone for everything that follows. The ability to enjoy small talk effectively separates those who create lasting impressions from those who are easily forgotten.

So, let’s break it down. Here’s how to use small talk as your greatest tool, not your greatest annoyance.

The Worst Icebreaker: “What Do You Do?”

Asking “What do you do?” is the fastest way to flatten a conversation. It reduces someone to their job title and often leads to the dreaded one-word answer: “I’m in marketing.” End of story.

Conversations that start this way tend to stay surface-level, missing the chance to build real rapport.

Instead, find some common ground, ask questions that make people think and engage:

“What’s been the highlight of your week?”
“Why did you come to this event?”
“Are you working on anything exciting at the moment?”

These questions open the door to real conversations, ones that actually make people feel seen and valued. When people feel heard, they’re more likely to remember you and enjoy talking to you.

Another trick? The Rule of Three. When asked “How are you?” instead of replying “I’m fine, thanks, how are you?” try this:

Take a chance to pause, breathe, then answer the question honestly – “Actually, it’s been a difficult week.”

One thing to be aware of here is that bringing negativity into a conversation can damage small talk as people might not have empathy and know how to react. So if you are going to be very honest, make sure it is with the right audience.

Expand – “I just got back from a trip to Belfast, Bosnia, and Germany and learned so much about how to boost sales at tradeshows but the travelling was exhausting.”
Pass it back – “Have you traveled anywhere interesting lately?”

This keeps the conversation flowing and encourages deeper engagement.

Mirroring & Matching Energy

People feel most comfortable with those who match their energy. If someone speaks softly and slowly, don’t come in like a hurricane. Match their pace. It makes conversations feel natural and effortless. When people sense that you’re adapting to their style, they’re more likely to feel connected to you. A subtle nod, mirroring their posture, or matching their level of enthusiasm can make them feel at ease instantly.

If someone leans in while talking, leaning in slightly yourself shows engagement. If they gesture while speaking, adding similar movements can create a subconscious sense of connection. Even adjusting your vocal tone to match theirs can make the conversation feel more in sync.

Mirroring also applies to the flow of conversation. If someone enjoys storytelling, let them set the tone and respond with your own anecdote. If they prefer quick exchanges, match their brevity. The key is to make the interaction feel organic and not forced. When used effectively, mirroring builds trust and deepens engagement without the other person even realising why they feel so comfortable talking to you.

The Importance of Articulation: Why Pronunciation Matters

Ever met someone who speaks so fast that it feels like you’re trying to decipher Morse code? Or someone who mumbles so much you’re nodding along hoping they don’t ask you a question?

The way you pronounce your words, the clarity of your speech, and even how you say simple words like “yes” or “but” make a massive difference in how people perceive you.

Saying “yes” with confidence and clarity signals agreement and enthusiasm, while mumbling a half-hearted “yeah” makes it seem like you’re already disengaged.

Similarly, emphasising “but” can be the difference between dismissing someone’s point and leading them into a more engaging discussion.

Just by pronouncing your words more clearly you will see a difference in how people reach and engage with you.

The Power of Silence: Why Pausing is a Superpower

If small talk is the warm-up of a conversation, silence is the seasoning, it gives everything more depth. We’ve all seen that person who panics at the first sign of a pause, filling every second with nervous chatter.

The truth is, silence is powerful.

In a conversation, a well-timed pause does two things: it gives the other person space to process what you’ve said, and it makes your words land with more weight. Think about how famous leaders answer interview questions, they pause, gather their thoughts, and then respond.

It makes people lean in and listen more closely. Silence is also a gift in negotiations, pitches, and storytelling. It signals confidence and allows you to own the conversation instead of rushing through it.

When you ask someone a question, don’t be afraid to pause and let them think before jumping in to fill the space. Sometimes, the most insightful responses come after a moment of quiet processing.

The Power of Random Knowledge

Want to never run out of things to say?

Read Today I Learned (TIL) on Reddit.

A single random fact each day can make you a more engaging conversationalist. Knowing a wide range of topics allows you to seamlessly start conversations and demonstrate that you understand the world others operate in.

Example: “Did you know honey never expires? They found jars of honey in Egyptian tombs that were still edible.”

Recently at a trade show, I wanted to interview a honey producer about his product marketing, and instead of launching straight into dry business talk, I used this fact to kick off the conversation. It immediately caught his interest, started a discussion about the longevity of honey as a selling point, and led to a much deeper conversation about how he positions his brand in the market.

Being well-versed in different subjects helps you adapt to various social settings. If someone mentions their passion for architecture, you can chime in with a fun fact about how the Eiffel Tower expands in the summer due to heat. If they’re into sports, let them know your favorite team.

Having a broad knowledge base doesn’t mean you need to be an expert in everything, but it does mean you can show curiosity and appreciation for different perspectives. This makes conversations more interesting, more dynamic, and builds connections faster.

Empathy: The Key to Connection

Small talk isn’t just about words, it’s about reading the room and genuinely engaging with people. Let’s say someone joins a call and apologises for being late because their child is sick. You have two choices:

Say “No worries” and move on to the purpose of the call.
Pause and say, “I’m sorry to hear that. How old is she? Is she feeling any better?”

The second response shows that you actually care.

And people remember that. It’s these moments that build trust, not a perfectly polished pitch. Conversations aren’t just about exchanging information, they’re about making people feel valued and understood. When you acknowledge someone’s situation with genuine empathy, it shifts the dynamic from a transactional exchange to a personal connection.

Physical Connection at Events

Humans are wired for connection. When a mother kisses her child after they fall, oxytocin is released, which actually helps them heal. The same thing happens when we shake hands or hug someone, oxytocin floods our system, reinforcing trust and making us feel happier.

If you’re in a face-to-face setting, a handshake, a pat on the shoulder, or even just maintaining good eye contact can make all the difference.

This isn’t about forced intimacy, but about acknowledging the unspoken ways we build trust. If you’re comfortable and culturally appropriate, these small touches help solidify bonds in a way that words alone can’t, creating lasting, memorable connections.

Recommended Speakers & Books

If you want to master small talk and communication, here are two people I highly recommend learning from:

Vinh Giang – A master of using voice, pauses, and body language to become a more compelling communicator. Watch his video on how to improve small talk
Troy Hawke – Brilliant at giving charismatic compliments and engaging with people in a way that makes them feel valued.
Interview You - An amazing book that helps you to figure who you really are by helping you to figure out what you really think. So many create ways of how to ask yourself and other people questions
Small Talk App - The app that keeps you interesting

Troy Hawke, in particular, has a unique ability to own his compliments. Most people are awkward when giving them, but if you truly believe what you’re saying, it makes all the difference. Try complimenting someone’s confidence, speaking style, or ability to engage a room, just make sure you own it.

Watch the genius in action here:

Troy Hawke in the streets

So next time you find yourself starting a conversation, remember: small talk isn’t a process that you have to get out of the way.

Embrace it and use this as the starting point of how you intend to continue your relationship with this new person.

Master small talk, and you’ll not only build better relationships, but you’ll also make every interaction feel effortless. The people who can make small talk engaging and meaningful are the ones who stand out and create lasting impressions.

And if you’ve made it this far, I want to know: What’s the best or worst small talk opener you’ve ever heard? Just reply and tell me, I read every message.

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